


Circular Reasoning

by kisahawklin



Category: Stargate Atlantis
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2007-12-26
Updated: 2007-12-26
Packaged: 2017-10-14 04:12:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,494
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/145253
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kisahawklin/pseuds/kisahawklin
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“I need your help,” Sheppard says. “I need you to help me ask Radek out.”</p>
            </blockquote>





	Circular Reasoning

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Aqualegia](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Aqualegia/gifts).



“I need your help,” Sheppard says, and Rodney’s immediately wary, because the colonel never asks for help and certainly not in his most ‘charm the natives’ tone of voice.

“What is it?” Rodney’s concentrating on the equations in front of him – he’s sure Simpson’s missed something, but he hasn’t been able to find it so far.

“I need you to help me ask Radek out.”

Rodney looks up at Sheppard, expecting to see his trademark smirk firmly in place, holding back laughter that he’ll let escape at Rodney’s look of utter horror. Rodney produces the look of utter horror, but Sheppard doesn’t laugh. Nor is he smirking. Rodney looks back at his computer and tries to get his brain back online.

The questions start hammering in Rodney’s mind, and he dismisses them one after the other, looking for some snappy remark he can use to defuse the situation. _Sheppard likes guys? He likes Radek? He wants me to help? Why doesn’t he want me? Does Radek like guys?_ Wait, he can ask that one. “Does Radek date… men?” Rodney asks, and he keeps his eyes straight ahead, looking at the questionable equations in what he hopes appears to be nonchalance. He knows he can’t control his face, so he has to control his emotions before he can look back at Sheppard.

“I don’t know, Rodney,” Sheppard says, and the annoyance in his voice makes it clear that _this_ is what Rodney is supposed to help out with. That pisses Rodney off enough so he’s able to look up at Sheppard with the full force of his irritation.

“And you’re asking me?” he asks. “Because I’m so up on the office gossip? Or because you think I keep Radek’s social calendar? Maybe because you think I – ”

“Because I thought you were my friend,” Sheppard says.

“Playing the friendship card?” Rodney asks, incredulous. “That’s a low blow, even for you.” Sheppard doesn’t answer and Rodney can’t look at his pathetically earnest face anymore. “What happened to you? Did you eat something off the mainland and it’s liquefied your brain? Are you a pod person? Because you sure as hell aren’t Colonel Sheppard.”

Sheppard cracks a grin, though it looks… _sad_ , of all things. Rodney’s not great at reading people, though, so he looks away before it gets _too_ awkward and in his sideways glance at Simpson’s data, finds the error he’s been looking for.

“Aha! I knew there was something wrong with this equation.” He leans over the keyboard as he taps a note in, in bolded, capitalized red letters. He wipes his hands together, as if he’s been digging ditches instead of correcting calculations and looks up at Sheppard, ready to give him his full attention. Sheppard is gone, though, and Rodney feels a twinge of guilt but doesn’t go after the colonel.

Rodney mulls over the problem in the back of his mind while he continues to work on checking the general upkeep of Atlantis. He delegates most of it these days, but he still needs to check on the work so no one does something stupid like _blow them up_.

He's still deciding how to approach the problem when it walks in the door. Radek wanders in and opens his laptop, sleep-tousled and tired-looking. Rodney knows that look. He has it most often when they've just had a near-death experience and scraped by yet again. Radek seems to get it more often when things are calm (well, relatively calm, for Atlantis). It's the look of inspiration.

Rodney debates what exactly Sheppard intends for him to do. Find out information? Set up a first date? How subtle is he supposed to be? Rodney snorts out a little breath at that - Sheppard knows him well enough not to expect subtlety. He decides the direct approach is the simplest, and it would definitely save him time, as well as get the whole affair out of the way so he could stop thinking about it.

"Radek," Rodney says, and waits for Zelenka to look up from his computer. It takes a moment. Finally, Radek seems to feel Rodney’s gaze and looks up. "Do you..." Rodney starts, but then realizes the direct route is harder than he originally thought. How to ask the question? And what is Sheppard really looking for? Sex? A relationship? His jealousy rears its head again and asks _Why not me?_ , but he stomps on it fiercely, reminding himself that he has Katie, and Sheppard... well, Sheppard has nearly every alien they come in contact with, but apparently wants a man. Or, maybe Rodney's second-in-command specifically.

"Oh," Rodney says, and for a second he _cannot_ believe he was so gullible. Thank god he had stopped before he said anything to Radek. Radek, who is still looking at him. "Do you need me to lock you in?" Rodney asks, to cover his strange behavior. "I'm going to bed."

Radek looks at him, confusion evident on his face, but it's late, and none of them stand on ceremony at this hour. You take other people's quirks in stride. "No, Simpson will be up in a couple of hours."

"Great," Rodney says, picking up his tablet and leaving the lab practically at a run.

***

John wakes up with a start and sits straight up in bed, gun in hand. He's not sure what woke him, but he doesn't see or hear anything in the darkness. He listens, and after a few seconds he hears footsteps. He realizes he must have been woken by the transporter doors. It's been months - no years - since he's woken because of the soft whirring noise, the one that sounds so eerily like brushing down a horse.

The footsteps stop at his door, and before he can think twice on it, his door chimes, softly, as though unwilling to wake him. He gets up and goes to the door, putting his sidearm in the nightstand as he does so.

The door opens on Rodney, who seems to be working himself into a lather, and John finds that he's not surprised. Who else would wake John up in the middle of the night without a second thought?

"What?" he asks, turning his back on Rodney and heading back into the room.

"Very funny," Rodney says, and John rolls his eyes before flopping down on his bed.

"What's funny, Rodney?" John asks, and throws an arm over his eyes. Rodney hasn't left the doorway and the light is shining in with a Rodney-sized stripe in the middle.

"You want to..." Rodney hesitates and apparently decides a verb isn't necessary. "With Radek."

"Yes, Rodney," John says, glad for the arm over his eyes.

"You're not kidding?" Rodney asks, and the note of - panic? - in his voice almost makes John look up.

"No, Rodney." Rodney shuffles a bit, and a moment later he hears the door close.

"Why haven't you mentioned this before?" Rodney asks, and John gives up and looks over at him. He can't read Rodney's tone of voice as easily as Rodney's body language. There's confusion, John expects that, frustration, okay, that's understandable, and... hurt? Yeah, that definitely looks like hurt.

"Mentioned what, exactly?" John presses, because he doesn't want to say the words either.

"Oh, I don't know. That you..." Rodney runs out of steam before he's started, and that would be funny if John didn't want to get this over with as quickly as possible.

"Date guys?" John provides, because it's a starting point, and he's pretty sure once Rodney gets his bearings, he'll be back to ranting as usual.

"Well, yes," Rodney says, and takes a breath. John thinks _here we go_ , and settles in. "And Radek. Why Radek? What do you want? I won't have you distracting a member of my science team forforfor... sex. I mean, if you want some kind of relationship, that's different, I suppose..."

John lets Rodney's worries flow over him and waits for Rodney to wind down before he picks the easiest question, which, surprisingly, is _how long have you liked men, anyway?_ "I've always preferred men," John answers, and shrugs. "Women prefer me."

Rodney snorts, and John's pretty sure that he's hurt again. Rodney's ego is a strange thing, surprisingly buoyant most of the time, and then oddly delicate in the off hours, when it’s just the two of them and Rodney feels like he's safe to be honest with himself.

"I don't ask them to," John says, knowing that won't make Rodney feel better, but he's not overly concerned with Rodney's ego at the moment. "And I've thought a lot about Radek." He's not sure what else to say on that front. Mostly, it's a convenience thing. He's very limited in his choices on Atlantis, and Radek is the best of the available options. He likes Radek, too, doesn't know how you can't like someone who can stand up to Rodney in the middle of one of his rants and not wither under Rodney's stubborn glare. In the end, he's sick of being lonely - and the fact that Rodney is spending more time with Katie, Teyla is busy being pregnant and Ronon... well, Ronon's about the same, actually. But there's a distinct lack of people he can have friendships with in his position, much less intimate relationships.

"What have you thought about Radek?" Rodney asks, and John's surprised at the open-endedness of the question.

"I like him. He’s part of the first wave, that's important. He's senior staff, that's important. He's not military... you get the idea."

"I can't believe you," Rodney says, his arms flailing. "You'd be with someone because they fit a certain set of criteria?"

 _Says the man who dates the only woman who doesn't run at the sight of him_ , John thinks. He grits his teeth and grinds out, "I told you, I like him. And you know as well as I do that the pool of people I can date is pretty shallow."

"Date? Is that what you're going to do?" Rodney sounds so uncertain, John gives in to his urge to laugh.

"And anything that might normally follow a date." Rodney's jaw drops and his mouth forms a perfect 'o'. John laughs again and adds, "Like _another date_."

"Of course," Rodney says, and tilts his chin up. "I'm just looking out for my scientists. Don't hurt him, John."

John would be insulted if he wasn’t so surprised at Rodney’s concern for Zelenka. "It's just a date, Rodney."

"Yes, well, I can't afford to have him become useless because he's a lovesick puppy," Rodney says. "And how do you even know he's interested?"

"I don't," John says, and refrains from adding Rodney's typical 'you idiot.' "I was hoping you might know the answer to that. Since you don't, I'm hoping you might be able to..." John can't believe he's trusting Rodney on this, but he doesn't have anyone else. "I'm hoping you can feel things out for me. If he's not interested, I don't have to jeopardize - "

"Yes, yes," Rodney says, and looks slightly sick and vaguely horrified. "I'll see what I can do." He turns and walks out, and the whirlwind that is Rodney blows out of his room as quickly as it blew in. John puts his arm back over his eyes and tries to sleep.

***

After Rodney's strange departure, Radek continues his work on the shield emitters. He's pretty sure he can cut power to them significantly and both save power and extend the life of the shield. He's run the calculations four times and he's almost about ready to try a simulation when Rodney comes back in. It can't have been more than an hour since he left.

"Rodney?" Radek asks, and Rodney shakes off whatever he was thinking about and looks up at Radek. "Shouldn't you be sleeping?"

"Do you..." Rodney starts, wringing his hands and looking at the floor. "Is it possible that you would... date..." Rodney looks up at him, almost pleading. "Would you date a man?" Rodney gets it out in a rush and resumes wringing his hands.

Radek can't believe Rodney is asking. There must have been easier ways for Rodney to come by this information. "I am flattered, Rodney, but-"

"Not _me_ ," Rodney says, his tone the same as when he’s dressing down one of the junior staff for touching something without thinking. Radek sags under the relief. Turning Rodney down is always a risky proposition, and he doesn't know what he would have done if it had become an issue.

"Who, then?" Radek asks. Rodney has definitely piqued his curiosity.

"Does it matter?" Rodney asks.

Radek thinks about it, briefly. There are not many people to date in Atlantis, and he has often thought that it would be easier to find someone of the same sex. He has never been interested before, but... "It might."

"Oh, so now you have a list of men you would consider date. And I'm not on it." Rodney looks hurt, and Radek cannot fathom why.

"No," Radek answers honestly, "I do not have a list. But I would not date you, either."

"Thanks a lot," Rodney says, and now he looks downright miserable.

"You have Katie, why does it matter to you?" Radek says, in an effort to cheer Rodney enough that he might reveal the name of Radek's admirer.

"It doesn't," Rodney says, and his fierce determination is back. "I'm not asking for me."

"Yes, you said that," Radek says in his most patient tone of voice. "Who are you asking for?" He starts to consider Lantean men as potential dates and fails to find one that seems both probable and attractive to him. Perhaps knowing who it is wouldn't matter after all.

"I can't say," Rodney says, and looks miserable again. Watching the emotions play on Rodney's face makes Radek exhausted.

"Why?" Radek asks, and immediately the answer comes to him. "He's military." Rodney doesn't reply, but Radek can tell from the way Rodney relaxes slightly that he is right. That is a surprise. He had been considering the other scientists and engineers. He knows most of the Air Force officers from working on the puddlejumpers, and he even knows a handful of Marines, but he's never considered they might be interested in dating him. He thinks of Lorne, and considers that he seems like he'd be appealing to date, possibly. Maybe he is interested after all.

"Who is it? You must know I would never say anything, even if I was not to date the person." Radek hopes this sounds logical to Rodney. They have discussed the American military rule on homosexuality before, and he knows Rodney finds it as ridiculous as he does.

"I can't, I promised," Rodney says. "But I can tell him you might consider it?"

Radek sighs. It is beginning to sound like a juvenile game. "Whether or not I consider it depends on who is asking."

"Oh, thanks," Rodney says. "You're such a help." He leaves in a huff and Radek throws his hands up in defeat. Rodney is impossible. He returns to the shield emitters and blocks out all thoughts of Air Force personnel.

***

John doesn’t like being snuck up on. It’s nearly impossible most of the time, but occasionally Rodney can manage it by the fact that he talks about innocuous things long enough to lull John into a false sense of security. Today he’s discussing something about the shield emitters – something Radek figured out, it seems – and then he drops a bombshell, as if it’s another stage in the calculations.

“Radek said he might consider it.” Rodney rambles on some more before John can stop him; it takes a hand on Rodney’s arm for him to look up.

“What kind of answer is that?” John asks. “I need a definitive answer here.”

“He said he might consider dating a man. I didn’t tell him which man it was.”

John opens his mouth to speak but finds he has nothing to say. He appreciates the fact that Rodney takes this so seriously, but the situation has suddenly devolved into sixth grade note passing. He should take his fate into his own hands. “Well, it’s a start,” John says. “I think I can handle it from here.”

John spends the next two days trying to figure out how to get Radek alone when the opportunity is dropped into his lap. Radek wants to upgrade more of the jumpers with the capability to switch from cloak to shield, and he’s alone in the jumper bay when John comes in to take a joyride.

“Radek,” John says, his heart speeding up. He hates this part, the nerves that make him as uncomfortable as Rodney in his most socially awkward moments.

“Hello, Colonel Sheppard.” Radek points to jumper two, silently asking if John needs the jumper he’s working on.

“I’ll take jumper five,” John says. He likes that one better anyway. He shrugs his shoulders in the direction of Radek’s tools. “How’s it going?”

Radek laughs. John could get used to that laugh. “Slowly. It’s going slowly.”

“Anything I can do?” John asks, but doesn’t really hope for anything.

“No, it is fine,” Radek says. “I’m sure you are busy with important… things.” He takes in John’s bag lunch and raises an eyebrow.

“Actually, I was just going out for a joyride,” John admits. “If you need help…” John lets the offer hang, and Radek seems to consider it.

“It would be boring, Colonel. Flipping switches,” Radek says. He looks hopeful for a moment, and John thinks maybe he’s not barking up the wrong tree after all.

“Flipping switches and stimulating conversation,” John says, dripping charm.

“I am not going to be good company,” Radek says. “I do not talk while I work.”

“It’s okay, Radek,” John says, settling into the pilot’s chair. “I don’t mind hanging around.”

After several hours of switch-flipping, John is glad that he has the ability to entertain himself. He watches Radek work, small precise hands, nose crinkling as he compares two crystals. He’s… cute. Not John’s normal type, but neither is anyone else he’s considered. Radek’s nearly as intelligent as Rodney and much more pleasant to the people around him. He keeps sneaking glances at John and John smiles to himself. Definitely not barking up the wrong tree.

John waits patiently, leaning back in his chair and letting his limbs sprawl. He ticks off the minutes until lunch, until he has an excuse to get close enough to Radek to –

Suddenly, Radek is leaning over him, hands on the control panel, and looking down at John sheepishly. “Colonel,” he says, and John can hear the question behind the word. John puts his hand on Radek’s wrist, lightly, to encourage him.

“Yes, Radek,” John says, more earnest than charming, but he’s beyond caring at this point. Radek pulls his hand back and John can practically hear the gears grinding in his head.

“ _You_ ,” Radek says, and John smiles at the look of surprise on his face.

“Yes,” John says, and stands up, so close to Radek they’re nearly touching.

“I did not…” Radek says, flustered, and takes a step back. “I did not know it was you.”

John sits back down. Has he misread this? “You’ve been staring at me all morning,” John observes.

“I have not!” Radek answers, and steps down from the pilot’s platform. “I may have looked at you occasionally, because…” Radek takes a deep breath and John’s pretty sure he doesn’t want to hear the end of the sentence. “Because I thought you might tell me who it was.”

John huffs out a breath at the irony. “I might have,” John says. Radek’s gone back to his tools, kneeling over the crystal display he has open and staring into it. “But I’m guessing you weren’t expecting me.”

Radek shakes his head.

“I’m a good guy,” John says, and decides to go for broke. He can’t be any more out than this. “I’ll buy you lunch,” he says, with a smirk.

“I am…” Radek looks ready to climb out of his own skin. “I am very sorry, Colonel, but I do not date men.”

“Rodney said you might consider it,” John pushes, a little desperately. He should have thought this through, should have realized that Radek never really reacted to his charm, not the way Rodney did.

“I thought,” Radek starts, setting down a clamp and putting a hand over his face. “I thought, perhaps, Major Lorne, but… you see, I did not consider…” He looks up at John, eyes pleading for the conversation to be over. John obliges him.

“No problem, doc,” John says, and gets up. He holds a hand out to Radek. “I’ll still buy you lunch.”

***

As Rodney scans the cafeteria, he sees Zelenka and Sheppard sitting together. He starts to make his way to their table before he realizes they probably want privacy. _Sheppard certainly doesn’t waste any time_ , he thinks bitterly.

Rodney grabs a table by himself and proceeds to work through the scheduling for his scientists. He gleefully assigns the most boring tasks to Radek, knowing he’ll be doing minor repairs on useless equipment for _weeks_.

Major Lorne approaches his table with a tray, and Rodney nods at him to sit down. He likes Lorne well enough, the kid knows when to be quiet and let Rodney work, and occasionally, Rodney will admit, he is able to motivate Rodney when he needs it. He stays quiet now, and Rodney smiles at him before going back to his scheduling.

He has no idea how much time passes before Sheppard comes over, but Lorne is still sitting there, plowing on through the dreary brussel sprout-like vegetables from P4X-339.

“Major,” Sheppard says, and Rodney looks up. The colonel’s taken a seat and Lorne’s put his fork down to give Sheppard his full attention.

“What are your plans this afternoon?” Sheppard asks, and _wait a minute_ , Rodney thinks. _John’s checked out a jumper for the day – what is he even doing here?_

“Paperwork, sir,” Lorne answers. “Requisitions for next month are due tomorrow, and the three month reviews for the new personnel.”

“I’ll do it,” John says. “Zelenka needs help with the jumpers, and I’d appreciate it if you’d spend the next couple days assisting him.”

“Of course,” Lorne says, and stands, picking up his tray.

“You can finish your lunch,” Sheppard offers, but Lorne shakes his head.

“Never did like brussel sprouts,” he says, and leaves with a nod to Rodney.

Rodney closes his mouth, vaguely wondering how long it’s been hanging open. “What was that about?”

“Radek turned me down,” John says and laughs ruefully. “Mentioned that he’s thought about Lorne, though.”

Rodney swallows his surprise. “I’m sorry,” Rodney says, and means it. “Maybe he needs time to get used to the idea. Maybe I could – ”

“Don’t,” John says, and Rodney looks up at him.

“But I’m sure you just surprised Radek, I can talk to him, tell him… tell him…” Rodney falters and John raises an eyebrow at him.

“Tell him what, Rodney?”

“That he should reconsider.” Rodney looks down at his scheduling.

“And Lorne?” John asks.

“What about Lorne?” Rodney asks, pressing the issue. He figures John’s a better catch than Lorne, and John is willing. He’ll just have to convince Radek.

“Don’t, Rodney,” Sheppard warns, and Rodney puts on his most innocent face.

“Don’t what?” Rodney asks, and drops the subject. “Working on something here, little busy.”

“I’m not kidding, McKay.” John storms off and Rodney smiles, staring down at his tablet and scheming.

***

Evan has had the weirdest week since he’s been in Atlantis, and that includes the week his whole team turned purple from the fruit on M1X-399. Getting reassigned to the jumpers and having Colonel Sheppard take over the paperwork was the tip of the iceberg. He’s been reassigned more times than he can count. He would ask about it, but the colonel is in a foul mood, and it’s likely because McKay is in an even fouler mood. He’s even got the Marines jumping when he walks by.

The most recent reassignment was guard duty for Zelenka, who was trudging through some ignored part of Atlantis, trying to patch up some of the conduits they damaged in their run from the Replicators. It’s a job for a Marine, but Evan doesn’t mind Dr. Z, so he doesn’t complain. He prefers paperwork – he’s good at it and it keeps Sheppard from being a complete nightmare – but as assignments go, it’s not too bad.

This takes the cake, though. He’s been called to Dr. Z’s quarters, and when he gets there, there’s a candlelit dinner on the table, and Dr. Z, Dr. McKay, and Colonel Sheppard are arguing, all three of them trying to outtalk the rest.

They stop talking when Evan enters and Colonel Sheppard says, “Finally. Come on, Rodney,” and heads for the door.

Dr. McKay blocks Colonel Sheppard’s exit at the same time as he grabs Evan’s arm. “Thank you, Major, we won’t be needing you.”

“Yes, we will,” the colonel says, grabbing Evan’s other arm. He feels like the rope in a tug of war. He knows he should say something, but he has no idea what is going on.

“Major Lorne,” Radek says smoothly, pushing him on the chest so he takes a step backward, out of the room and out of the grabby hands of Sheppard and McKay. “I think we should leave Rodney and Colonel Sheppard to their dinner.”

He pushes Evan’s chest again and Evan makes an about face and steps into the hallway. He doesn’t want to stay in that room one second longer than he has to.

“Do you play chess?” Radek asks.

“I’m no great shakes at it,” he answers truthfully.

“There’s a board in the mess. Want to have a game?” Radek asks, and Evan can hear McKay’s spluttering even though they’re halfway to the transporter.

“Sure,” Evan says, and falls into step with Dr. Z.

***

“Why are you ruining all my plans?” Rodney fumes, pacing between the door and the candlelit table. John chuckles and Rodney has to fist his hands by his side in order not to strangle him.

“Because I’m trying to orchestrate my own plans,” John says, “and I seem to be winning.”

“John,” Rodney says, frustration threatening to overcome the choke hold he has on his emotions, “I’m doing this for you.”

“And I appreciate that,” John answers, dropping down into one of the chairs. “But Radek doesn’t want me, and there’s no reason not to see if he and Lorne can’t work something out.”

“But you’re obviously the better man,” Rodney says, and John ducks his head. Rodney’s not sure what that signifies, except maybe an acceptance of the compliment, but it makes him look about twelve years old.

“It’s not about that, all right?” John says gently. “I’m not going to force myself on someone who doesn’t want me.”

“Of course he wants you,” Rodney says, and John must be truly thick not to understand the effect he has on people. “Everyone wants you. He’s just confused.”

John looks up at him, with the same earnest face that made Rodney look away in the lab. “By everyone, you mean…”

“Everyone, John, isn’t it perfectly clear?” Rodney can tick off every alien slut and ascended floozy that’s propositioned John over the last four years, not to mention a couple of guys that looked at him askance.

“No,” John answers, “it’s _not_ perfectly clear.”

Rodney glances down at John again and something catches in the moment between when he looks in John’s eyes and replays John’s answer in his head. He grips the back of the chair, fumbling himself down into it because his legs suddenly feel like they might not hold him up. “You mean me?” Rodney asks, and Rodney is glad when John nods, because he can hardly hear for the rushing of blood in his ears. “You want to know if I…?”

John nods again, solemnly.

Rodney reaches out and touches his fingertips lightly to John’s face. John closes his eyes and leans into Rodney’s fingers until his cheek rests in Rodney’s palm, and Rodney can't help but gasp in a breath. John’s eyes open and meet his. “Of course I want you, you imbecile.” It feels like Rodney’s known it forever, even though he’s just now figured it out. It’s exactly how he feels when the pieces of an equation fit together, like the knowledge has always lived in his soul and all he had to do was puzzle it out.

The consequences lay themselves out before him, and a cold shiver runs down his spine. _Katie_ , he thinks. His heart breaks a little when he thinks of what he’s giving up. His hopes for children, for some semblance of a normal life, for not having to live in fear and secrecy from the people who write his paycheck and control John’s life.

“Can you wait?” Rodney asks, and John opens his mouth – to protest, Rodney assumes, so Rodney preempts him. “Can you wait?” he asks again. “Just a couple of hours. I need to take care of something.”

“Okay,” John says, and Rodney can read everything on John’s face, the fear, the hope, the disbelief.

“A couple of hours,” Rodney says. “I promise.”

***

John watches Rodney leave the room and wonders if he should have done more to convince Rodney to stay. If Rodney freaks out, it could mean all kinds of bad for him.

John’s carefully placed Rodney out of reach; ignoring the mixed messages, trying to be a good friend – even when Rodney gloats about his girlfriend, relegating Rodney to the status of ‘buddy.’ To have the possibility of more than that is too tempting to consider, until he knows Rodney means it.

Instead, he starts moving, trusting action to silence his mind. He cleans up the dinner, carefully packing away the food for Radek to enjoy later; maybe he’ll even share it with Lorne. There’s a bottle of red wine – expensive stuff, if John knows Rodney – and some decadent chocolate cake John is tempted to try, even though he’s not a big dessert fan.

He folds up the tablecloth, blows out the candles and piles it all up neatly on a desk in the back of the room. _The scientists always have desks_ , John thinks, laughing and letting himself out.

He goes back to his quarters long enough to change into running gear. It’s early enough that he could probably convince Ronon to go with him, but he decides against it, not even wanting the solid warmth of Ronon around to interfere with his zen emptiness.

He runs for an hour, showers and settles in on his bed. He’s got a couple of magazines he can go through before he has to resort to _War and Peace_.

He spends three hours trying not to look at the clock every five minutes. Sometimes he makes it as many as seven before checking his watch. He gives up the golf magazine he’s pretending to look through and decides to pace. His dad used to pace when he was angry, but John’s always found it useful for shutting up the voices inside. He tells himself that he is not going to Rodney’s quarters, that he is not going to find a lifesigns detector and track down Rodney’s subcutaneous implant, that he _is_ going to do everything in his power to let his relationship settle back down to ‘buddies’ and never mention it again.

He paces for an hour and a half and finally decides that Rodney isn’t coming. Part of himself says ‘I told you so’ and the other part feels like it might throw up from the disappointment. He crushes the hope, coldly, in his father’s disapproving voice, and strips off before going to bed. He lowers the lights and stares at the ceiling, listening to the ocean and the rasp of his father’s cruel words.

He sits up in bed some time later, awake again without understanding why. He doesn’t wait for the footsteps this time, but goes to the door and listens expectantly. He hears Rodney’s gait – part of him wonders when he learned exactly what that sounds like – and opens the door before Rodney can chime.

Rodney looks like he has been tortured within an inch of his life. His face is puffy and red, his hair sticking up at all angles, and he’s shaking uncontrollably.

“Hey,” John says, finally letting the realness of the situation crash over him. The badly abused hope that flayed him open earlier turns into slow acceptance of this, of _Rodney_. John hooks an arm around Rodney’s neck and pulls him in, feeling Rodney’s forehead rest on his shoulder. “It’s okay,” John says, and ghosts a kiss in Rodney’s hair. “It’ll be okay.” He tugs Rodney into his room, letting the door slide shut behind them.

**Author's Note:**

> Yule season fic for the [malesofatlantis](http://community.livejournal.com/malesofatlantis) SantAtlantis 2007, as a gift for aqualegia who requested _John with Rodney or Zelenka or both, angst or hurt/comfort with happy ending for John_. Which gave me the crazy idea for this fic. Happy Holidays!


End file.
